Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Went to Connecticut yesterday. Had to be there and back in one day. Because it snowed the day before my husband could not bicycle to work. The snow on the sides of the road can't be petaled through, and in order to find dry pavement he winds up straying into traffic. I gave him a ride to work with the car, and had to be back again in Vermont nine hours later to pick him up. My mother the night before had taken her boyfriend to the hospital emergency room with breathing problems, she had to pick him up at the time that we had all agreed to have lunch. That morning my best friend Rocki could not be reached to change plans because she was working out with a personal trainer. My mom was almost frantic to see me but I would not bend the schedule because I did not want Rocki siting alone in a restaurant wondering where we were. It was quiet at lunch, either I was tired from driving or depressed. Probably depressed. I haven't painted in a while. After lunch we went to a large clothing store that is next to the restaurant where Rocki got stripped socks and I got a cotton scarf. It is light green with white skulls on it.

Mom says that her boyfriend is "drifting away", he spends most of his time with his eyes closed and he cannot sleep at night. I think he is going into advanced stages of heart failure where the fluid builds up in his body. They are going to see a lung specialist today, and Mom is certain that all he needs is portable oxygen to use at home and then, "he will be fine". If he dies I will probably go down to Connecticut once a week to be with Mom. She has an extra bedroom in her house, I can sleep overnight. Mom said some cold and hard things to me over the phone after I returned to Vermont, I think that she grieves by becoming angry. In the back of my mind I want to believe that should I ever get into trouble my mother will be there to help me out, but what she said, is that it is important to let the kids live their own lives, make their own mistakes, and then have to "lay in their own bed". My husband said that in the car accident, when she had a brain injury, it gave her a weakness that she is compensating for. She knows that she can't worry. So she won't worry. I remember after the accident listening to my mom talk to one of her tenants. She then turned to me and the way she talked to me made me think, "There is no difference in her mind now between one of her tenants and her daughter. Much of what once made me special and cherished is gone." I've got this idea that if I give to my mother, show her love, she will learn how to give in return. If there is tightening to be done with family ties, when it comes to my mother, the first move has to be made by me. I think what my mother deeply fears is being left alone by her children, she is preparing to reject her children before they can reject her.

I got sick late last night. Had to take a trilifon and klonopin (anti-psychotic & narcotic). I was in bed rocking. Said to my husband "It feels like the world is going to end", "Don't kill me, I don't want to die" and "I don't know you." My husband captured me in a bear hug and kept on rubbing my back.

In two days my husband and I are having dinner with his daughter London. London went to a strip club to celebrate her roommate's birthday last weekend. Now she is very excited, she thinks she can make easy money by becoming a stripper. I said to my husband "I must be stupid. I can't think of anything exactly wrong with being a stripper, but it feels wrong." Mike explained to me that easy money loosens your moral compass. You begin to give a little, and find yourself giving a little more and a little more. Eventually you will be tempted by having sex for money. And on this we both agree, we don't want London to suffer the type of emotional suffering that having sex for money can bring. I would think that the consequence of this would be a hardening of your heart and an altered sense of one's own body. The only way I can wrap my mind around it is in terms of magic. Having sex with someone you love has in it a bit of magic. I know not everyone is built the way I'm built, some people have sex for physical pleasure alone and that is then their definition of magic. But what I value the most about having sex when love is involved is the feeling of trust. I'm a guarded person. It doesn't come easy for me to trust. But when I do, it is such a relief. Strange things occur when you trust deeply. The lines between two bodies melt. Sex becomes sacred, a religious experience. I had a roommate in college who used to dance naked in a cage in New York City. She said that having sex was like eating a salad. I think she was jaded. I believe that I want the best for my step-daughter, and I don't know if she will be happy being a stripper. Perhaps being the object of male veneration will make her proud and happy. Female power. She also has it in her mind to go to school for nursing. If she is going to strip on the weekends and go to school during the week I can see this as being a noble sacrifice, and maybe, a smart thing to do. Buy yourself a better future with stripping.

London's mom for many years worked as an employee of the University of Connecticut. As part of the benefits package for working for the school, she was entitled to send her children there tuition free. When London was a senior in high school, and planning on going to college, her mother quit her job so that she could stay at home with her ten year old son. I think it was one of the most selfish acts I have ever witnessed. No money was ever saved for London's higher education because it was always assumed that her mother's position would entitle her to a shot at college. I have one of the lowest opinion of London's mother that I have of anyone.

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