Monday, December 29, 2008

Sword Thrust

I know that my drawing looks simplistic. But honestly, this took at least two days to draw. It is part of a much larger painting. It is the decoration on the front of an altarpiece.

I am struggling with this painting. There is a figure of a girl that I drew that needs to be re-drawn before I paint her. The temptation is not to waste time on trying to redraw her, just go ahead and paint her the way that I originally planned. Her outline is penciled in on the canvas. I'm struggling with whether or not to put my all into one painting. In part, I feel a bit like a machine grinding out paintings. The faster I make them the more money I make. But then there is pride in product. I want each painting to be me at my best. At this point, I know that I will not get back in money what I put into each painting. It is so hard for me to work. I exhaust myself after several hours painting. And then their is the mental pain that follows exhaustion. It seems like in a fair world you get back for the effort that you give in. But I don't know if the world is fair.

So I look at his painting and think to myself, "if it sells at $1,000 I get back $500. There is paint, canvas and the frame which are all my own expenses. Maybe it won't be good enough to sell at $1,000. Maybe that is too much to ask for it. I don't know what it is worth. I don't know if anyone cares that I make an effort. Fools deceive themselves. Fools are so proud of their accomplishments. I think that if I hate myself, and consider my talent slender, I avoid being a fool."

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